Wait… what do you mean that means “All Crew members that turn up to work in pink underwear shall be beaten by rabid orangutans?”
*Sigh*. Just look out for spoilers.
So here they are, in no particular order, the Top Five Smeggiest Red Dwarf villains.
But first... an honourable mention!
Legion was created as a “gestalt entity”, essentially a collection of the greatest minds of the 23rd Century – sharing their combined memories and knowledge. But as they died out, so did he cease to exist. When the “Boys from the Dwarf” stumble across his space station, he comes back to life, taking on their combined personalities as well. Initially friendly and well spoken, Legion eventually holds them hostage so that he can continue to go on living.
Whilst he did kidnap the Dwarfers – it wasn’t necessarily for any “malicious” reason. He just wanted to carry on living. But the fact that he was able to keep them prisoner for a short period of time at least warrants him a mention. Potentially he is one of the most intelligent villains in the show – but thanks to quick thinking from Kryten, they outsmart him and escape, even managing to take some of his technology with them.
Ok! Now onto the main list.
Polymorph’s were a genetically engineered life form created to be a fighting machine (although the novel Better Than Life suggests that they were GELFs that were left to die on a garbage world). Polymorphs are shape shifters that can take any form and then creating an emotional reaction in their victims, draining said emotion. They are essentially an “emotional vampire”. This is what happens when a polymorph sneaks aboard Red Dwarf and drains Lister, The Cat, Kryten and Rimmer of their fear, self-confidence, guilt and anger respectably.
You might be thinking, why is this thing so dangerous if all it does is steal emotions? Well if you think about it – very! If you have no fear, you could do things that could put you and others in danger. If you have no self confidence, you are pretty much have no real help to give, if you have no guilt, it means you could sell others out – and if you have no anger, it means that you could try and act rationally in a situation that requires action. Plus, the polymorph could continually drain you of emotions until you are a shell of your former self. This, coupled with the fact that it can change into anything it wants means that it can hide itself – making it virtually impossible to track. All in all, this is one creature you don’t want to find in your garbage pod!
Psirens are scavengers that hide amongst an asteroid belt and have strong telepathy – creating illusions to draw in their victims. They can create an image to seduce and confuse their prey, before using a metal straw to suck their brains out. After which, they take what they can from the ship.
Any creature that can turn into an object of your affection is pretty dangerous. I’ve always said seduction can be a lethal weapon in the right hand. And something that can read your mind is even more dangerous as it can find out what floats your boat with minimal effort. Also, they are powerful enough to create illusions that can fool an entire crew – in one case, making it look like an asteroid was heading in the Dwarfers direction.
If one of these creatures say they are going to “blow your mind”, better run away sharpish!
Created as part of advanced evolution on board the SSS Esperanto on an ocean planet. The squids can excrete a powerful ink that induces complete despair in their victims. The ink is so powerful that even sea life are also affected by it – as fish close their gills to suffocate. The crew of Red Dwarf encounter one whilst scavenging the SSS Esperanto when the squid attacks, seemingly killing the crew. In one of the best twists of Red Dwarf history, the crew are made to believe that they were playing a VR game all this time – and that that are all characters contrary to what they were in Red Dwarf. This episode gave rise to one of the most popular side characters ever – Dwayne Dibley, the Duke of Dork, alter ego of The Cat!
It’s later discovered that female versions of the squid can also secret an ink that creates pleasure, as opposed to despair. This leads to the Blade Runner inspired mini series where the crew discover that they are characters in a TV series (Fourth wall broken!). This I found a little weird even for Red Dwarf standards, but the Despair Squid has probably come the closest to finishing off our heroes, so it deserves a special mention.
Originally created for a “war that never happened”, some of them escaped the dismantling process and now scour Deep Space. They despise humans – or anything humanoid (even anything beginning with “Hu”) and will often capture, torture or outright kill any on sight. In some occasions, they hunt them down for sport. They will occasionally ally with GELFs, but humans they consider the “vermin of the universe.” Not only are they psychotic, they are virtually indestructible as a bazookoid fire would do little to damage them.
Probably the closest we get to being the main antagonists, Simulants are an ever growing threat in the Red Dwarf universe and one that should be taken seriously. Pray you never end up getting caught in their grip.
Originally thought to be just a myth, The Inquisitor is a self repairing mechanoid that sees himself as a kind of godlike figure, using a time gauntlet to travel the universe and delete people that he believes have led a worthless life. He’s kinda like Jigsaw from Saw in that respect. What he considers “worthless” is somewhat questionable, and even Lister and Kryten call him out on this. He’s not really someone you want to mess with though – he possesses power enough to even control a ship and can also read your mind to some extent.
With his time gauntlet, he travels the universe, erasing those that he feels didn’t make something of their life so that another version of that person can live.
I guess you COULD argue that his intentions are honourable – if it didn’t involve completely erasing people from history. Cold, calculating – and completely indestructible – he is pretty much as close to a God as you’re gonna get in Red Dwarf. He is by far (in my eyes) the most lethal of all Red Dwarf villains. With him there is nowhere to hide and nowhere to run. Wherever you go, he will find you – and judge you if you haven’t lead a good life. So the moral is to make the most of the life you’re given – you might not have it much longer!
Those are my top five deadliest creatures in Red Dwarf. Any I missed? Let me know in the comments below!
Have a great week, smegheads!
(And if you don't know what smeg means - then I pity you! XD)
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